i'll find you mighty and strong

450th post! Xblaze

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Okay I know I should be sleeping right now, seeing how tired I am. Can't focus in lectures, can't run or try a pullup. Hyperventilated during PE because I pushed too hard. But it's not a serious thing.

Haven't recovered from the lack of sleep during Xblaze. :/

Xblaze camp was just so depressing, kept raining and there were lightning storms. Sian. Stand under the shelter and stone at the raindrops plopping into the puddles of water in the grass patch. Stayed away during basha night to watch over the J1s, got so many bites and I was physically lacking in energy the next day. And 3 people cut themselves in the night, all don't know how to use the jack knife properly, I used 1.5 litre to wash their blood man. The 2 serious cuts really bled a lot cos it was at the finger, with a strong pulse.

Next day DOTA was okay, quite fun at stations. But Zhihao and I were super tired from running, Zhihao was stoning. Luckily cycling got cut short, though unfortunately cos of 2 serious casualties. Sent to hospital. Campfire was pretty good, we had a second Pokemon skit, but as a duel. Hahahaha. Tired but couldn't sleep well.

Walk back was okay, time passed quite fast but I was really tired and dying man. Glad I survived, thank God. Missed church and BS. :(

Gonna visit Abbie tmr/later, excites~ (:

Ethel's coming back in a week, Jiayu in a month! (:

So tired of life sometimes. Some moments I wanna go home, especially in lonely moments. But it's not like I'm a stranger to loneliness. Guess we just failed to keep in contact. But after those moments, I'll think of what I'll miss, the sadness it'll bring (if any), and I'll push those thoughts away again. Keep hanging on, so that perseverance may finish its work. God is pushing you hard, so that next time you'll be able to handle the big jobs He has specially assigned for you. Remember that. And I need to stop being cynical about friends, it ain't very nice to them and it ain't healthy.

Signing off,12:24 AM
Child of god

Thursday, March 22, 2012

I hope i'm not a nuisance to you, must tell me if i am. I would prefer it that way, i'll be glad if you do. In fact, i will sincerely thank you. As a friend.

Signing off,11:05 PM
Child of god

Youth Sunday 2012!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Theme was God: Our Hope.

Scripture reading was from Psalm 78: 1-8.

Sermon by Amos was about how God never gave up on Israel despite the many times they forgot about God. Forgot Him despite all the miracles He had done for them. That we mustn't forget God either, and our responsibility is to be a testimony for His works to our children, and children's children, and more after that. That what we treasure now will simply fade away, that it doesn't help us in bringing us closer to God, and that only God's Word will never fade away. That He is the only one we can cling to. And also we must help our future generations find Him and let Him become their hope too.

Choir was soft, but the guys did well. We may not be good, but our hearts were into it. And it was a wonderful, wonderful time of worship. (: Never seen the younger ones so involved, so keen, despite all their playfulness and immaturity. Never seen Angie so involved either, it's really heartwarming to see others grow. (: Is that how our BS leaders feel? Didn't talk to anyone in the congre, but it seems like the Lord really moved through His people today. Especially when we sang 10,000 Reasons. Completely new song, only heard the tune twice and the congre really accepted it and sang it out loud. Did anyone close their eyes to listen for a sec? I did. And it was so beautiful. So beautiful.

Quite sad that we couldn't lunch with the youths. :( Wasn't in a good mood yesterday, wasn't in a good mood during lunch, not in a good mood tonight. No one knows what we are going through better than close friends. But it was really nice to laugh with Beef. But we had to part ways soon after.

Lonely nights.

Wish I could be there for you.

But who am i to kid. I'm having trouble turning to Him yet i want to encourage others? Hypocrite. Who am i to kid.

Signing off,11:49 PM
Child of god

Today.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Tomorrow you will harvest the seeds that you sow today.

What kind of seeds do you want to sow today, such that tomorrow will turn into the dream that you have always wanted?

New Day.

Remember to Breathe.

Signing off,6:53 PM
Child of god

End of Term1

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Whoo! Finally it's the end of Term 1. And God's grace has carried me through.

Shall not think about As drawing near. No need to worry about that, just do your best for MBTs, see what you can do, where you are lacking, then work on it.

Oh thank God so much. So so much, for placing so many wonderful people around me. They really pushed me through the last 3 weeks of the term with their prayers and encouragements. Pearlyn, Abigail, Danielle, Jonas, Angelica, Jasmine. Thanks so much, guys.

To my class, let's just pia and slog our butts off this week. And take a break next next thurs to sun, then slowly pick it back up from mon to fri. I realise MBTs is just to force you to consolidate your learning. Haha.

Can't wait for Sunday~~~~! :D

Signing off,9:26 PM
Child of god

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Picking myself up with God's help.

Getting up from the ground so that i can help those who are falling.

Need to take off my mask, the mask i've been wearing in school for the past 12~ months.

Thanks so much, Abbie, Jonas, Jasmine, Angie, Danielle, friends. But most of all, thanks God. Seeking His love once again. :) Love like fire~

Btw, I didn't stay up until 2.40am, i woke up at 2.40am on the couch, surrounded by my tutorial. Hahaha

Signing off,2:37 AM
Child of god

Today

Monday, March 5, 2012

Thought my face today was pretty straight. But the girls have been asking me if I was fine, cos I looked sad and sian. Haha.

Stressed and pekchek during Maths lecture. At the start, Val and I were talking cos Val was worried, then Mrs Tan came over. "Hello (:" I think she wanted to tell us to keep quiet haha. Val and I were surprised, Val said "Hello!" I said "hello..." Haha Val laughed cos my eyes were half-closed. Mrs Tan rubbed my shoulder. But stress is written all over her face too.

Eunice and Val are breaking down inside too. Val will be fine after venting everything out. She's like me. But I don't know about Eunice. She needs to pull it together too.

Today, asked Abbie what she preferred. Haha so excited! :D Really made my day to get an answer from her.

Where Would We Be - by Matt Redman

Signing off,9:10 PM
Child of god

Angels.

Sigh. I really have to stop this, don't i, and pick myself up.

And yet studying hard for myself seems like a "Not applicable" reason for me, simply cos i don't want to be a successful person. I would rather be a road sweeper than a banker. Like Johnny Barnes (go wiki, then vimeo vid). Haha. sigh. Let me be a hermit for the week please.

Thankful to God for today, for all my friends that God has placed around me. Came to church at 8.30 and just listened to the worship team practice. Sat around. Abbie came and mentored. Then Eky came and he seemed confident in guiding Joshua, so I could let go of the ushers. Listened somemore. Then Narrow Road started playing and tears started welling up. Haha no idea why. Abbie walked over, asked if i was okay, sat down beside me, pulled me to the noticeboard. Couldn't talk. We went to the toilet, Jasmine was at the sink. Managed to say something. Abbie passed me tissue. Covered my face and tried to chill and pull myself together, service was gonna start. Jasmine and Serene passed us a pack of tissue i think, thanks. :) Once i was okay then i opened my eyes. Heheh sorry for the shock and causing you to worry, Abbie. After Pam exited i washed my face and we headed back in. Then i walked out again just as Jonas reached the chapel, so she came to find me at the steps outside. Haha at that point in time i really didn't know why i was feeling the way i felt, all i knew was that i needed some space to breathe. But i'm glad she was there, we haven't talked in a long time. We stood around the notice board, then Abbie came out while i was calling Gabby. Shut those feelings out/in. Called Beverly. Take 5! was going to be fine. Service had started so we went back to our seats.

Worship was good, sermon was good too. The Greatness of Our God. :'| Then after service, Pearlyn came to find me to pass me last week's Project Alpha but she left before we could have a proper chat :( , left when Danielle called me over to the pews cos i had forgotten my Bible. Heh. Sat down to tie my shoelace, then "Am I tapping the correct person? Heh. If I'm tapping the wrong person." Jasmine. :) "No it's the right person," i said. She walked me from the chapel all the way to the basement room, and we talked. Shared with her, shared with me. Reminded me about God's providence, that things go His way, not up to our own expectations, to let go and let God, to trust God. Then i went for choir, but it didn't seem to be starting soon so i went up to find Abbie, she was leaving soon for softball match. Went back to choir but in no mood to sing. Heh sorry for being so sian, Gabby.

Had dinner with Denise, Gabby, Angie. Talked to Angie on the way and kinda found out how overwhelmed i was with Odac, homework, MBTs, March "hols", Youth Sunday, X-blaze. Letter from Abbie. Spent the day with Danielle and Jasmine and Angie.

Need to learn to trust God in this trial, just like during preparation for Fundraising and for Youth camp. One thing at a time, persevere.

What did i do to deserve so many, such wonderful friends and sisters. God's grace, really. By grace and His mercy.

Pray with faith and not doubt, and listen. Last night, God reminded me about the verse that goes, Do not be afraid for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. And Abbie gave me one of those small cards, and it said, Do not fear, for I am with you. Coincidence? I don't think so. It's from Isaiah 41:10, read the whole isaiah 41. And right now, i am reminded of how during Church camp, Danielle used hand signals to ask me, Do you love Jesus?

Signing off,12:33 AM
Child of god

Uncertainties.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Hello again.

Watched the J3s get their A results on Fri, watched Ms Lai give out the certs to people with at least 3 H2 distinctions, people with full scores, top Arts and Science students. Then we moved off to get our Chinese results. Got a C.

That aside, watching the prize presentation really made my fears more real. 50.7% of the corhort got at least 2 H2 distinctions. What if i'm part of the 49.3%? Like last year, when i was part of the 25% that didn't get distinction for English. It sucks. What if i get a U for Econs, like i have been doing? What if i can't get my A for Maths, Chem and Bio? What if i fail GP cos i screwed up? What if i put in all that effort, and once again i get the low grade that i expected, instead of a better-than-expected grade? Like Chinese. What if i get stuck in the middle again? I really don't want that. I'm afraid of that, so afraid that tears fall. Cried in the Odac room, with tear-stained Amanda hugging me. Thanks dear.

What if nothing can change, things will always be the same, history will happen again?

Fear grips the depths of my soul. And i desperately need courage to start studying properly again, of which i can muster none. Arms are lax. Heart is tired. Head is heavy. I wanna lie on a big green field, and shout for the world to hear.

Do you hear?

Tweeting with Ness, her first reply made me wanna cry.

I need someone to talk to. Abbie, Jasmine, Serene, Jenny.

Reveal Your plan to me.

Signing off,9:00 PM
Child of god

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Lord I Need You - by Chris Tomlin.

Signing off,4:51 PM
Child of god