I want to study GP now, but can't seem to take the step forward.
Sigh RAH. Sighh.
So negative nowadays. Whatever happened to my positive Mg2+ ions. Gone with the wind. All that conviction I had during that period, all gone. Shit. Freak. All the motivation. All the strength and stubbornness to not give in. Stubbornness to keep pushing. Not just pushing me, but pushing everyone along. And in the end I was the one who screwed O levels up. F-ed the whole thing up. Sorry but yeah. Screw you. Me, I mean. Screw you.
I guess then I wasn't trying my best. Nope, not at all. Maybe because I kept telling myself that you will tired out if you do and I didn't want to be so tired. Maybe because I kept telling myself that if I gave it my all and in the end got disappointed, it would be worse. Maybe because I kept telling myself that I don't know what my best is, how to give it my best. Now all I can tell myself is to don't give up and that I should just give up. That I have no strength left after the wounds. That I should just go and die. Nay I wouldn't actually do it, if I did I must be totally unaware of what was doing. I have nothing left. Not just falling off the cliff but sinking into the darkness of the hole. What am I doing with my life?
Stamping on it. Pull yourself together. Though there's nothing available to pull together. Pull yourself together. I pray. Push on. Amen.
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