A Unproductive But Full Day
Wow. What a day. Mentally and emotionally fatigued, but I was reminded that time is a sacred gift from Father. So looking back on today and the past week, I am thankful.
I've been going through the minor prophets for QT, and only this morning did I really realize and question: Why did God keep forgiving the Israelites?! Because He is good and He loves good things (though these good things stem from His goodness; happen to read this on Melly's wall). He loves mercy and justice, He yearns so keenly for a relationship with His creation, for us to be humble before Him. Haven't understood or accepted this, shall put it on my back (front) burner.
That was morning;
Went to school a little late, but I took the time to lie at the roof garden anyways. I didn't get enough time to become still, I'm still all fidgety... But I guess it'll have to do. But! I got to see the CFers, got to talk to Natalie, I'm thankful for that. (: Only managed to study 3 chapters before I rushed out to meet Crystal.
That was afternoon;
We two met Sween for dinner, and we three quiet souls had a good relaxing chat about having kids and being interested in helping kids. Failed to pay for my own dinner again >.< sigh I still don't know how to deal with these things - to be grateful or to refuse? Haha. Then Crystal and I went to Starbucks and I did 3 more chapters. Only at 9.30 did Crystal tell me that she wasn't meeting her family anymore. -.- And we had an epic physical tug of war to get her to have a proper meal. Hahaha sigh how absurd we looked. And we spent some time waiting for her bus too.
That was evening.
Sigh for this whole week, I've been thinking about how to live - in the sense where lives are tied to relationships. Just as how a death is the breakage of a relationship. And this train of thought has made me more keenly aware that I am particularly worried for some people: Crystal, Stellzy, Nat, etc. It makes me tense all over, it occupies my thoughts, it's a vicious cycle. Trying not to revolve my time/energy around friendships, trying to evaluate if I am going too far. And yet reading that article, I am now grateful that I can be there for a friend. Even though it took up time and energy to meet up with various people. Even though I doubt and hide and shy away. A tough nut to crack, aye. We be a listening ear, we probe, we evade, we get nervous, we reveal and open up. Haha what a game. But also the building of a relationship, and that is what matters.
I don't really like being me, but I have also given up regretting that I'm made this way. (Can't remember what is that word to describe this.) #identitycrisis When you focus so much energy into one relationship, the others tend to become forgotten. It is so scary. Relationships are such fragile things. And I am afraid of tipping the scales, of collapsing one day. The more I let into this inner circle or the more I reach out to pull others in, the more levers I add onto my fulcrum and the more precarious it gets. What do I do? I guess I'll just have to figure it out and grow from it.
If anyone of my close friends read this... Well go ahead I guess. I forget that each person is a fulcrum too, a balancing point. So that each of these links balance on 2 nodes. That's what friends are for, right? A two-way relationship. So yes. Today was an unproductive but full, a very very full day with Crystal. (: Thank you Father, from the depths of my heart.
P.S.
Whate'er the care which breaks thy rest,
Whate'er the wish that swells thy breast,
Spread before God that wish, that care,
And change anxiety into prayer.
Also, what is love? Love means to give of yourself. But is love also fulfillment?
I've been going through the minor prophets for QT, and only this morning did I really realize and question: Why did God keep forgiving the Israelites?! Because He is good and He loves good things (though these good things stem from His goodness; happen to read this on Melly's wall). He loves mercy and justice, He yearns so keenly for a relationship with His creation, for us to be humble before Him. Haven't understood or accepted this, shall put it on my back (front) burner.
That was morning;
Went to school a little late, but I took the time to lie at the roof garden anyways. I didn't get enough time to become still, I'm still all fidgety... But I guess it'll have to do. But! I got to see the CFers, got to talk to Natalie, I'm thankful for that. (: Only managed to study 3 chapters before I rushed out to meet Crystal.
That was afternoon;
We two met Sween for dinner, and we three quiet souls had a good relaxing chat about having kids and being interested in helping kids. Failed to pay for my own dinner again >.< sigh I still don't know how to deal with these things - to be grateful or to refuse? Haha. Then Crystal and I went to Starbucks and I did 3 more chapters. Only at 9.30 did Crystal tell me that she wasn't meeting her family anymore. -.- And we had an epic physical tug of war to get her to have a proper meal. Hahaha sigh how absurd we looked. And we spent some time waiting for her bus too.
That was evening.
Sigh for this whole week, I've been thinking about how to live - in the sense where lives are tied to relationships. Just as how a death is the breakage of a relationship. And this train of thought has made me more keenly aware that I am particularly worried for some people: Crystal, Stellzy, Nat, etc. It makes me tense all over, it occupies my thoughts, it's a vicious cycle. Trying not to revolve my time/energy around friendships, trying to evaluate if I am going too far. And yet reading that article, I am now grateful that I can be there for a friend. Even though it took up time and energy to meet up with various people. Even though I doubt and hide and shy away. A tough nut to crack, aye. We be a listening ear, we probe, we evade, we get nervous, we reveal and open up. Haha what a game. But also the building of a relationship, and that is what matters.
I don't really like being me, but I have also given up regretting that I'm made this way. (Can't remember what is that word to describe this.) #identitycrisis When you focus so much energy into one relationship, the others tend to become forgotten. It is so scary. Relationships are such fragile things. And I am afraid of tipping the scales, of collapsing one day. The more I let into this inner circle or the more I reach out to pull others in, the more levers I add onto my fulcrum and the more precarious it gets. What do I do? I guess I'll just have to figure it out and grow from it.
If anyone of my close friends read this... Well go ahead I guess. I forget that each person is a fulcrum too, a balancing point. So that each of these links balance on 2 nodes. That's what friends are for, right? A two-way relationship. So yes. Today was an unproductive but full, a very very full day with Crystal. (: Thank you Father, from the depths of my heart.
P.S.
Whate'er the care which breaks thy rest,
Whate'er the wish that swells thy breast,
Spread before God that wish, that care,
And change anxiety into prayer.
Also, what is love? Love means to give of yourself. But is love also fulfillment?