Growth Chart: Heart for People & Ministry
Oh my there are so many things weighing down on my heart. My chest is tense. My heartbeat pounds. But outside, the birds are still chirping in harmony and the world is still spinning. You will not let one sparrow fall to the ground outside of Your control.
It was another tiring week. (Why do I not feel like it's the summer holidays.) LPC was at once amazingly beautiful and intensely draining. We came into camp as a table who wasn't sure which other legs belonged to the table, so our table was all shaky. But through the three days, we bonded through a single dream: SEnT can be more. It can be a chase after God's heart and a challenge to love what He loves. This Table is an instrument in His hands, nothing more. We are individuals, yes, but we are simply a swiss knife - one tool with many gifts. By God's grace, Gabby, Elijah, Jonadab and I had similar ideas on what SEnT is. How did we realise that? We had one short arms meeting, followed by an open meeting with the other CF leaders. Lol, we weren't even talking to each other, we were talking to the groups! Joke. A blessing. An assurance that He is leading us.
I WAS very unsure, I admit, of my role in SEnT. Elijah, Jon, Huldah, and Gabby are giants of CF. What gift have I to contribute to this swiss knife, this table? I felt like I had nothing to offer. I confided to Sabby and Ben and Sean Mulyadi. Sean told a story of how babies bring such joy to parents even though they are a pure burden, and how God is just like that. Sabby's first reaction was to laugh out loud and scoffed at the idea that I have nothing to offer, and she told me that I've been such a pillar of encouragement and strength to her. Ben piped in, saying that Science CF was always an encouragement to him, that I had encouraged him with my stories during our taxi ride. I admit that I did think of leaving SEnT, since I didn't seem necessary. But that would be defiance against God's will and a lack of trust in Him. So.... who knows. I hope that I can be a pillar of encouragement in SEnT too. I hope that I can be part of this team of dreamers and doers too.
Yesterday, we spent the daytime with 4 of Crystal's girls. Shawn, May, Evangel, Selena, Jiaxi, and myself. 10am to almost 7pm. I think we spent at least 3 hours playing Werewolf and another 2+ hours in total just chilling around. We brought them out to do a little meals on wheels, we heard their stories and got to play around with them. We chose to love them, in order to care for them. And now, part of my mind and heart is stuck in that place with them. Maybe I do concur with Selly. I do wish that we could erase memories and pretend like yesterday never happened. Because we all know that we may never visit that place again, we may never see them again. If we visit a second time, it means that we need to choose to commit to them consistently and regularly. And yet, having crossed paths with them, I cannot live on pretending that those lives never existed. It is both their stories and our personal inability to sustain these bonds that breaks our hearts.
And to that, warning bells chime in my head: Don't live for others. Was I trying to love them with human love, or God's love? Must I wait until I burn out to find out? What does God will for me, one who struggles with love? Who is He calling me to love? A permanent group? Or am I a versatile piece, placed as and when others have needs? Where is the balance between living for self and others? Does it lie in living for God?
Above all, the lesson from this week was to trust God, because He loves every soul and He is powerful enough to care for them all. He can fix these broken lives.
It was another tiring week. (Why do I not feel like it's the summer holidays.) LPC was at once amazingly beautiful and intensely draining. We came into camp as a table who wasn't sure which other legs belonged to the table, so our table was all shaky. But through the three days, we bonded through a single dream: SEnT can be more. It can be a chase after God's heart and a challenge to love what He loves. This Table is an instrument in His hands, nothing more. We are individuals, yes, but we are simply a swiss knife - one tool with many gifts. By God's grace, Gabby, Elijah, Jonadab and I had similar ideas on what SEnT is. How did we realise that? We had one short arms meeting, followed by an open meeting with the other CF leaders. Lol, we weren't even talking to each other, we were talking to the groups! Joke. A blessing. An assurance that He is leading us.
I WAS very unsure, I admit, of my role in SEnT. Elijah, Jon, Huldah, and Gabby are giants of CF. What gift have I to contribute to this swiss knife, this table? I felt like I had nothing to offer. I confided to Sabby and Ben and Sean Mulyadi. Sean told a story of how babies bring such joy to parents even though they are a pure burden, and how God is just like that. Sabby's first reaction was to laugh out loud and scoffed at the idea that I have nothing to offer, and she told me that I've been such a pillar of encouragement and strength to her. Ben piped in, saying that Science CF was always an encouragement to him, that I had encouraged him with my stories during our taxi ride. I admit that I did think of leaving SEnT, since I didn't seem necessary. But that would be defiance against God's will and a lack of trust in Him. So.... who knows. I hope that I can be a pillar of encouragement in SEnT too. I hope that I can be part of this team of dreamers and doers too.
Yesterday, we spent the daytime with 4 of Crystal's girls. Shawn, May, Evangel, Selena, Jiaxi, and myself. 10am to almost 7pm. I think we spent at least 3 hours playing Werewolf and another 2+ hours in total just chilling around. We brought them out to do a little meals on wheels, we heard their stories and got to play around with them. We chose to love them, in order to care for them. And now, part of my mind and heart is stuck in that place with them. Maybe I do concur with Selly. I do wish that we could erase memories and pretend like yesterday never happened. Because we all know that we may never visit that place again, we may never see them again. If we visit a second time, it means that we need to choose to commit to them consistently and regularly. And yet, having crossed paths with them, I cannot live on pretending that those lives never existed. It is both their stories and our personal inability to sustain these bonds that breaks our hearts.
And to that, warning bells chime in my head: Don't live for others. Was I trying to love them with human love, or God's love? Must I wait until I burn out to find out? What does God will for me, one who struggles with love? Who is He calling me to love? A permanent group? Or am I a versatile piece, placed as and when others have needs? Where is the balance between living for self and others? Does it lie in living for God?
Above all, the lesson from this week was to trust God, because He loves every soul and He is powerful enough to care for them all. He can fix these broken lives.