Poor English

Emotions are so complex. I wish that I was given a clearer mind, that I may express myself more clearly.
That's why 知己s are so needed. Yet often I can't have an extended convo with my 知己s because we are too "heavy", as Idelle puts it. I really miss eonni, one of my 知己s, one who has walked the path before me.

I am SO EXCITED for the trip at the end of this month. It's an answer to my prayer, a dream come true, the first winter I will truly experience (actually beginning of spring). Images of the places (spaces) fidget nervously at the brim of my mind. Oh, the smiles that I will meet at the other end!

I am seriously PANICKING in fear of the wider, bigger, daunt-ier future that this trip foreshadows. I think that suffices.

I am disappointed at the state of my walk with God. Perhaps it's in comparison to a standard that doesn't truly exist: of being filled with fervour for God's glory and overflowing with tears of thankfulness for His grace. But I know it needs to be better. And I want more of God.

I am lost because... who am I? What is my personality, my character? How do I respond to situations? How can I leverage who God has created me to be, to contribute to ministry and the team mates?

I am nervous because I lack so much. I lack skill sets as a teacher/facilitator. I lack familiarity in theology and biblical studies. I lack social skills. I lack faith, even to the measure of a mustard seed.


And yet somewhere in my conscious mind, I know
I am found and held in God's loving hands, just the way I am.