The Condition and The Oikos
As an admin person in the Programs Comm, I died. And now that it's over, I'm slowly coming back to life. Hehe. So like a little plant right after winter, I'm still hiding from the sun, gaining strength before I can push up my little pointy green peaks past the snow.
It was really a strain for me. After a while, I just couldn't go any further in terms of keeping up with the team. My mind gave up, I stopped smiling. It got better after vocalising it to Zoey and Hanyi (ah, friends to whom I can cry) -- but then the weight turned into anxious energy and I kept talking in the office. Thank God, I had Rachel to talk to. But still, often I had a niggling thought like someone better should have replaced me. I wish I could have supported poor Zephy more, who was managing so many things, but I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't. Чадаагүй байсан. I was unable to.
Nonetheless, it was a good conference for me. (: Not through the sessions per se, since I couldn't really listen to any apart from Session 3, but definitely it was God's hand touching my weary soul.
I realised how very steeped in "The Condition" of apathy and sin I am. Especially when I'm tired and strained, it's difficult to even care and love those immediately around me. I become so self-centred, looking for comfort from everyone as though I were entitled to it. But as Ejah said in Session 2, it's not about you. It's not even about your inadequacies, when there are millions who need the Gospel incarnated. When we look up from our grimy hands and weak knees, there stands God the Father, God the Son, God the Spirit, full of mercy and power, wrapped up in gentle robes of glory. Unimaginably beautiful is the God of the poor. And His touch fills my heart with things too full to comprehend - I am overwhelmed as I look on Him again.
I guess this season, God has been trying to teach me to love others, even to see them as Christ Himself. Through the street ladies, the guest in my home, my students, my colleagues. The more "Other" they are from me, the more "Christ" they are to me. Holy Spirit, the Perfecter of the Father's creation, help me.
Secondly, God showed me how loved I am, more than I thought I was. Even when I am burdened by my own incompetency and negativity, even when my friends are busy, they love me. I should not doubt. And neither should I complain about my burdens, because we are walking together, though it often seems like we're working on our own.
And I need to take more initiative when working with people, not just supporting others in their work but asking for support as I work too. I'm not alone, we just have different brains and we were all thinking and worrying about different stuff. This is the Body.
Lord, help us to, as the people of the Righteous God, have the foolishness needed to strive towards doing the impossible, being hope in despair, love to the helpless, light to the darkness, beauty in the brokenness, innocence in a shrewd world, embodying Your Kingdom on earth. Every day, may we pray and live the Franciscan Prayer:
It was really a strain for me. After a while, I just couldn't go any further in terms of keeping up with the team. My mind gave up, I stopped smiling. It got better after vocalising it to Zoey and Hanyi (ah, friends to whom I can cry) -- but then the weight turned into anxious energy and I kept talking in the office. Thank God, I had Rachel to talk to. But still, often I had a niggling thought like someone better should have replaced me. I wish I could have supported poor Zephy more, who was managing so many things, but I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't. Чадаагүй байсан. I was unable to.
Nonetheless, it was a good conference for me. (: Not through the sessions per se, since I couldn't really listen to any apart from Session 3, but definitely it was God's hand touching my weary soul.
I realised how very steeped in "The Condition" of apathy and sin I am. Especially when I'm tired and strained, it's difficult to even care and love those immediately around me. I become so self-centred, looking for comfort from everyone as though I were entitled to it. But as Ejah said in Session 2, it's not about you. It's not even about your inadequacies, when there are millions who need the Gospel incarnated. When we look up from our grimy hands and weak knees, there stands God the Father, God the Son, God the Spirit, full of mercy and power, wrapped up in gentle robes of glory. Unimaginably beautiful is the God of the poor. And His touch fills my heart with things too full to comprehend - I am overwhelmed as I look on Him again.
I guess this season, God has been trying to teach me to love others, even to see them as Christ Himself. Through the street ladies, the guest in my home, my students, my colleagues. The more "Other" they are from me, the more "Christ" they are to me. Holy Spirit, the Perfecter of the Father's creation, help me.
Secondly, God showed me how loved I am, more than I thought I was. Even when I am burdened by my own incompetency and negativity, even when my friends are busy, they love me. I should not doubt. And neither should I complain about my burdens, because we are walking together, though it often seems like we're working on our own.
And I need to take more initiative when working with people, not just supporting others in their work but asking for support as I work too. I'm not alone, we just have different brains and we were all thinking and worrying about different stuff. This is the Body.
Lord, help us to, as the people of the Righteous God, have the foolishness needed to strive towards doing the impossible, being hope in despair, love to the helpless, light to the darkness, beauty in the brokenness, innocence in a shrewd world, embodying Your Kingdom on earth. Every day, may we pray and live the Franciscan Prayer:
May God bless you with a restless discomfort
about easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.
May God bless you with holy anger
at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, and peace among all people.
May God bless you with the gift of tears
to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish,
so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.
May God bless you with enough foolishness
to believe that you really can make a difference in this world,
so that you are able, with God’s grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.
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